I’ll start off with STANDING. You know those signs in front of office buildings, strip malls, and just about anywhere else that say “NO PARKING OR STANDING”? Yeah, those aren’t just “No parking” signs. There’s a whole ‘nother word in there, and I am amazed at how few people know what it means. And no, it doesn’t mean standing there on your New Balances, wondering how to make driving painful for me.
You know how when you park somewhere, you put the car in park? (Ed. Note: for the manny tranny drivers out there, read: in neutral with the e-brake on, in gear with the e-brake on, or if you are the poor bastard who ended up with my old Toyota pickup truck, in gear, with the e-brake on, and with a large stone chocking a tire) Well, standing is when you stop somewhere, but don’t get out. In park, in gear with your foot on the brake, doesn’t matter. If you ain’t moving and you’re in the car, you’re standing.
Anyways, when you’re standing in front of the grocery store, and I pull up behind you and just wait, expecting you to move, and you stick your arm out the window to wave me around, I’m not trying to be a pain in the ass, I promise. I am actually confused. Because there is a large “NO STANDING OR PARKING” sign in plain view, and I know that you had to take the same written exam I did to get your driver’s license, which includes the distinction between Standing and Parking. You should feel like I’ve given you a compliment --- I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt; inferring that you know the laws of the state in which you’re operating a motor vehicle and have the intelligence to apply that knowledge. See, I’m not all bad.
My wife kept laughing and pointing at me when she watched this
What I’m talking about is when you are doing an industry-standard 10-over with the flow of traffic and a respectable following distance between your car and the car in front of you, and a car will ride your ass. As a citizen with a healthy regard for the greater good, and of course a spectacular grip on the ins and outs of macro-level transportation dynamics, you change lanes to allow this
What’s this? The
Pictured: A guy in a Prius who would rather drive around the parking garage for 16 minutes waiting for a spot with minimum walking distance to the office door than park in an empty spot and walk an extra 20 seconds.
Parking lot stalkers: I work in a building where there is a 6-story parking garage, to accommodate all my esteemed colleagues’
Well, 10 out of 10 times when I am walking to my car to grab my iPod or whatever, a
I actually get a kick out of this, but, God bless me, I try to help them out. Nowadays, when I sense a parking lot stalker, I will give them a very deliberate hand motion opera of sorts that clarifies that “I am NOT getting in THE CAR and DRIVING AWAY; I am getting my IPOD, and WALKING BACK into THE OFFICE.” The semicolon is really tough.
This doesn’t seem to help, though. I’m usually met with the same violent sigh, angry touchdown, and squealing tires that I get without extending this courtesy, only I get it sooner. Parking lot stalkers.
The new Dashboard Confessional is out today, “Alter the Ending.” I am sure it will be good, because my wife, the vox populi is actually excited about it. Also of note, and on topic, speaking of parking vultures, the new Them Crooked Vultures album is available for free streaming now. And it's good.
And as you see from my earlier post, John Mayer's Battle Studies leaked, and is now available for streaming.
Anyways, have a nice Tuesday, and if you’re driving, think of me and my superior understanding of transportation flow, comprehension of laws, and hand motioning skills.
Seriously, you should see my we-both-got-to-the-4-way-stop-at-the-same-time “I’MA STAY HERE, YOU GO; I’MA STAY HERE,” a baby could understand it.
Cruise control saves lives,